By Rebecca Kubenk, ABA Counsellor

'Help! I'm getting so frustrated with the endless stream of advice I get from my mother-in-law and brother! No matter what I do, I'm doing it wrong. I love them both, but how do I get them to stop dispensing all this unwanted advice?'

Sometimes when a mother has to deal with unwanted advice from a friend, relative, or even a stranger, she can become quite frustrated, upset or angry. So how do you handle this situation in a way that leaves everyone's feelings intact?

Just as your baby is an important part of your life, he is also important to others. People who care about you and your baby are bonded to you both in a special way that invites their comments and advice. Acknowledging this may help you handle the interference in a calm and gentle way rather than reacting negatively. It's rarely worth creating a war over a well-meaning person's comments. Regardless of the advice, he is your child, and in the end, you will raise him the way that you think best. You can respond to unwanted advice in a variety of ways.

Listen First
It's natural to be defensive if you feel that someone is judging you. However, chances are you are not being criticised. Rather, the other person is sharing what they feel to be a valuable insight. If you can stay calm and listen, you may find there is some wisdom that you can make use of.

Disregard
If you really can't find anything useful in the advice, simply smile, nod, and make a non-committal response such as, 'Interesting! I might look into that a bit more' then go about your own business … your way.

Agree
If you find one part of the advice that you agree with, provide wholehearted agreement on that topic. 'Yes, I think you're absolutely right about (whatever it is)' or 'I like that idea!' may divert attention from other suggestions that you do not find as helpful.

Pick your battles
If your mother-in-law insists that baby wears shoes when visiting the shops, you might agree and put a pair on him, even though you know he will pull them off within minutes. Following her advice won't have any long-term effects except that of keeping her happy. However, don't give in on issues that are important to you or the health or wellbeing of your child.

Steer clear of the topic
If your brother is pressuring you to let your baby cry to sleep, but you would never do that, it may be better not to complain to him about your baby getting you up five times the night before. If he brings up the topic, then you might like to distract him with something else. Saying I think things are improving then moving on to topics such as sports, news events or his own children's achievements may swing the conversation away from sensitive issues.

Educate yourself
Knowledge is power; protect yourself and your sanity by reading good, up-to- date information about your parenting choices. Have confidence that you are doing your best for your baby.

Educate the other person
If your 'teacher' is imparting information that you know is outdated or incorrect, share what you have learned on the topic. You may be able to reassure and educate them. Refer to a study, book or report that you have read. The Australian Breastfeeding Association has many publications to help you. One very useful booklet is Especially for Grandparents, which includes a section on how to care for a breastfed baby. This booklet is good for anyone who may be unfamiliar with babies who are breastfed and will help and reassure your friends or family if you leave baby in their care at any time. Two other useful booklets are Introducing Solids and Understanding Wakeful Babies.

Quote a doctor
Many people accept a point of view if a professional has validated it. If your own medical adviser supports your choice, say, 'My doctor said to wait until she's at least six months before starting solids.' If your own doctor doesn't back your view on that issue, then refer to another doctor or relevant authority - perhaps the World Health Organization, or the author of a reputable baby care book.

Be vague
You can avoid confrontation with an elusive response. For example, if your sister asks if you have started toilet training yet (but you are months away from even starting the process), you could answer with, 'We're moving in that direction'.

Ask for advice!
If your mother-in-law wants input in matters concerning her grandchild and you do not agree with her ideas on raising children, try asking her for advice on other topics. This could include ideas for suitable infant and toddler foods (if you do not like them you can always say you have yet to try that). If you are shopping together ask her opinion. She may then feel that she is being listened to and is part of her grandchild's world.

Your local Australian Breastfeeding Association counsellor is able to help you with breastfeeding and mothering issues and can also make suggestions about where to get help for other areas.

Memorise a standard response
Some mothers find having a standard comment that can be said in response to almost any piece of advice is very useful. For example, 'I'm sorry this didn't work for you, but it's working for me at the moment'or simply say, 'Thanks, we are always looking for ideas that might be helpful.'

Be honest
If constant advice or questioning of your methods is becoming a problem, try being honest about your feelings. Pick a time free of distractions and choose your words carefully, such as, 'I know how much you love Harry, and I'm glad you spend so much time with him. I know you think you're helping me when you give me advice about this, but I'm comfortable with my own approach, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd accept that.' Using 'we' messages, to parents and your partner's parents can also help to remind them that you are a couple and make decisions together.

Find a mediator
If the situation is putting a strain on your relationship with the advice-giver, you may want to ask another person to support you when you are receiving the advice or asking them to stop interfering.

In Conclusion
Receiving unwanted advice from a relative, friend or even a stranger, can sometimes upset mothers. Often it can be helpful to pre-empt a situation by memorising some standard responses.

You may also find it helpful to join a support group, online forum or chat group with people who share your parenting philosophies. The Australian Breastfeeding Association holds group activities where you will be able to talk with others who may be raising babies in a way that is similar to you own. This will give you the strength to face people who do not understand your viewpoint.

References
Breastfeeding … naturally (2nd edn, Australian Breastfeeding Association
Gentle Baby Care by Elizabeth Pantley

These are available from ABA's sales division, www.mothersdirect.com.au. This site has books and booklets on breastfeeding and parenting issues, as well as products such as baby slings, lambskins, breast pumps, breast pads and maternity wear.

February 2007