Reproduced from 'Essence' magazine
Volume 443, Number 1
Exclusively for ABA subscribers
By Jayne Garrod & Essence readers
Please don't make me laugh - postnatal sex?! Surely, this idea is oxymoronic (and several other kinds of moronic at that!). Putting aside for a moment the fact that the very existence of a newborn baby depends on sex having occurred somewhere roughly around 9 months previously, I seriously doubt that the two thoughts occur simultaneously in the lives of many new parents for quite some time. Certainly not in the case of most new mothers anyway!
There are several reasons why loss of libido can occur in breastfeeding mums. The hormone prolactin, an anterior pituitary peptide hormone1 that begins lactation in new mothers, is necessary for milk production; however, it can also lower the sex drive. Another libido-reducing hormone is progesterone. Progesterone is needed to sustain pregnancy and levels of progesterone are higher when a woman is breastfeeding. Progesterone is the same hormone that can cause uncomfortable and annoying PMS symptoms - hence when a woman has high levels of both hormones, as she does during lactation, sex can be the last thing she feels like! In addition, oestrogen and testosterone, the hormones necessary for the female sex drive, are both at low levels during breastfeeding.
New mums can be sore from the birth, may suffer from a lack of vaginal lubrication and almost certainly are suffering from sleep deprivation! Even several months down the track this can be the case. I know - speaking from personal experience - I didn't feel like sex until my fertility returned with either of my babies - and even then, the desire for it was extremely sporadic! I was too busy being enamoured of my babies, to care much about sex anyway. This is common and is aided by the production of the hormone oxytocin (also produced during childbirth and orgasm) which triggers the 'let-down' reflex and is known as the 'bonding' and 'mothering' hormone. However, I guess this is one area in which partners may (perhaps justifiably) feel rather left out.
On the other hand, some partners may find it difficult to understand that a woman who's recently given birth has experienced a major life-changing event. Aside from the hormonal changes that have taken place in her body, the ravages of sleep deprivation, and the extra demands on her body to nurture her baby with breastmilk, she may be in a different head space. She may simply need a bit of time to process all the new emotions the birth of a baby can bring forth.
Of course, all of the above can be true of new dads as well. Well, obviously with the exception of the birth and breastfeeding hormones! The constant demands of regular newborn feeding patterns, crying, and possibly bed-sharing with your newborn baby, can be a bit of a passion-killer. Both partners need to be considerate and caring of each other's needs, and if possible to try and maintain a loving relationship. Be assured the sex will return eventually!
In some cases, where postnatal depression or other mood disorders are experienced or physical symptoms which make sex uncomfortable are present, medical advice should be sought, in the form of a visit to your GP, midwife, obstetrician or health nurse.
Once your sex life has resumed, however, be aware that breastfeeding, though an excellent natural method of birth control, is not always enough to prevent pregnancy. Exclusive breastfeeding (by itself) is 98-99.5% effective in preventing pregnancy as long as all of the following conditions are met:
- Your baby is less than 6 months old;
- Your menstrual periods have not yet returned;
- Baby is breastfeeding on cue (both day and night), and gets nothing but breastmilk or only token amounts of other foods.2
Timing for the return to fertility varies greatly from woman to woman and depends upon the baby's feeding pattern and how sensitive the mother's body is to the hormones involved in lactation.
Therefore, if wishing to avoid pregnancy, especially after the first 6 months, or if menstruation has recommenced, it's advisable to use some additional form of contraception. This may range from such methods as FAM (Fertility Awareness Method), the Billings method (in both cases the woman charts her cycle to determine 'safe' times where unprotected sex can occur), condoms or diaphragms, to hormonal methods such as the Pill, Depo-Provera injections or IUDs. Progestin-only contraceptives (such as the Mini-Pill) are the preferred choice for breastfeeding mothers when something hormonal is desired or necessary. Speak to your health nurse, doctor or family planning clinic about the most suitable method for you, and the safest for your breastfeeding baby.
All of this is irrelevant, however, if you aren't 'intimate'! And to this end, I have some advice for new dads - if you want sex, do some housework! Do LOTS of housework! Seriously - I speak to many mums who agree that a man who does the dishes, laundry and cooks on a regular basis is the sexiest thing in existence!
Jayne
References:
- http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/68718/breastfeeding_and_low_sex_drive.html
- http://www.kellymom.com/bf/normal/fertility.html
No Coffee Breaks in this Job!
Partners take note!! You are not the only partner to a breastfeeding mum who is missing out on sex. Spare a thought for your partner, who is not refusing just because she wants to - especially with a newborn baby. By the end of the day she will have been holding, feeding, changing, settling and any other form of holding a baby you can think of for around 18 hours. This includes the night-time as well. Also, she will be trying to fit in meals and toilet breaks in between. Even the most high-pressured job has breaks for coffee, toilet etc. No such luxury for a mother.
Here are some tips to perhaps boost your chances in the bedroom or wherever else if you have a co-sleeping bub. Consider the following new and exciting forms of foreplay:
- Do the washing up!! Inventive - I know.
- Prepare the evening meal or any meal of the day. Especially on weekends or your days off.
- Offer to wear your baby in a sling.
- Have a bath with your baby.
- Take the baby for a walk and leave your partner at home for a rest.
- Smile and give your partner a cuddle without the hidden message that it is to lead to something else.
- Try not to spring advances on your partner when you have finally got into bed late at night.
- Try to remember that she may be 'touched out' by the end of the day and may need some very gentle encouragement or perhaps just want to be left alone.
- There may even be a medical reason as to why your partner lacks the desire to have sex. Be open with your partner and discuss this at a time other than bedtime.
- Remember it will pass and you will eventually be welcomed back again.
Helen, NSW
Sibling Stopper
I should preface this by stating that neither my husband nor I had amazingly high libidos before we had our daughter, so people should read this in context when I say that we did not have sex more than once during our pregnancy and only once in the first year of baby's life!
In the week that baby was conceived, we were very passionate - something to do with those early summer days and living in our very own house! However, once we were pregnant, things cooled down considerably, for a few reasons - some spotting in the first trimester, tiredness, and my partner was nervous about disturbing things, which pretty much killed the desire! We did try some non-penetrative play on a romantic weekend away in the last trimester, a last hurrah before the demands of parenthood were upon us.
In the weeks after baby was born, tiredness dictated that neither of us were interested in anything other than sleep. Until she was 6 months old, our daughter roomed in with us, which also kept us quiet on the intimacy front. But I think the biggest factor determining our lack of sex was probably relating to breastfeeding and hormones. For me in the early months, the crossover between mother and lover through my breasts was confusing and I didn't really even want my husband to touch them (bearing in mind that my daughter had a tongue-tie and was destroying my nipples before it was snipped!).
After about 6 months, this was no longer a problem but it wasn't until my cycle started again, 2 weeks after our daughter turned 1, that a sense of desire returned for me. It's been really nice to have those feelings again and to be able to confirm our closeness in a physical sense, though we still have to contend with night-wakings that seemed to be timed in order to prevent the creation of a sibling! Hmmmm!
The upside of all this is that we haven't had to worry about contraception for almost 2 years!
Name and address not supplied
Shine On
Up until the birth of our baby, my husband and I maintained a pretty active sex life. I had a healthy and natural pregnancy and both my husband and I accepted and loved the changes pregnancy made to my figure. So we saw no reason to change.
I had an uneventful birth with minimal stitching. By my 6-week check-up, physically I was all in one piece. I discussed contraception with my doctor. He recommended the mini-pill so it wouldn't interfere with breastfeeding. My husband is very supportive but he does have natural instincts. About 4-5 months after the birth while he was cooking dinner, he looked up and said, 'Honey I don't want to rush you, but I was wondering if we were ever going to have sex again'?
Right then, I realised I had been so caught up in being a new mum; I forgot I was also a wife. I explained to my husband that although physically I was fine and I had been 'feeling the urge', I was worried that post-birth sex would feel different. He lovingly explained to me that he would love it no matter how things felt. I had to laugh at this point, as I was actually more worried that I would be disappointed.
That night we made love for the first time; physically things did feel the same and I definitely wasn't disappointed. Emotionally it was so different. The birth of our first child and learning to breastfeed was something only we had been through together, and would never share with anyone else. This was a profoundly intimate experience that bonded us in a way we had never felt before. This closeness changed every part of our lives and added incredible depth to our sexual experiences.
Months on, sex has become a wonderful way to ensure our relationship shines out from under piles of dirty laundry, and through bleary eyes of sleeplessness. I'm no longer worried about feeling different. The only thing I have to worry about is making up for lost time.
Alison, NSW
Editor's note: This is a topic frequently discussed at ABA meetings and breastfeeding classes. The Association has published a booklet - Sex and the Breastfeeding Woman - on this topic for over 20 years.
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