Reproduced from 'Essence' magazine
Volume 40 Number 6
Exclusively for ABA subscribers

by Susan Greenbank, ABA counsellor

One thing is certain when you become a parent, life will never be the same again. On the top of the list of things that change for many parents is not being able to sleep when you choose to.

When pregnant with your first child, your expectation may be confined to having to night feed for the first six weeks or so. After this, babies are supposed to 'sleep through' the night and you can then get back to your 'normal' sleep routine. Even six weeks can seem like a long time to contemplate when you are used to eight hours, or more, of unbroken sleep each night!

The reality can be far from this. As many of us have experienced, babies can feed during the night for anything from six weeks to 18 months, or longer. Even when you get past the night feeding stage, babies can wake for many other different reasons, from teething to illness to insecurity. Some babies just don't seem to need as much sleep as others. Some sleep lightly and find it difficult to return to sleep once woken.

Toddlers and older children can also continue to wake regularly. A small child who has had a nightmare or wets their bed is unlikely to be able to settle themselves back to sleep easily. And then there are the parents who have had to drag themselves off the couch or out of bed to go and pick up their 16-year-old from a friend's party at midnight?

Accepting that parenting involves a fair few night-time duties can help. You may soon, in fact, be able to boast you did get eight hours sleep last night. One hour from 8 o'clock till 9 o'clock when you fell asleep watching TV, two hours from 10 o'clock till midnight after feeding the baby, one hour from 1 a.m. till 2 a.m. after changing a wet bed, two hours from 3 a.m. till 5 a.m. after feeding again and two hours from 5:30 a.m. to 7:30 a.m. after persuading your three-year-old that it was not actually morning yet!

Many mums give up some of their evening adult time and go to bed earlier than they did before children. It can be tempting to start all sorts of chores and activities once the children are asleep. At last some time to get a few things done! However, going to bed an hour or two earlier might pay off more the next day.

Equally, it can pay to take it easy when you are sleep deprived. Trying not to pack too much into each day means you will be less exhausted and perhaps more able to cope with your fatigue. Daytime naps can make a big difference. The trouble is many of us just can't seem to get around to having them! It can take quite a bit of discipline to leave that pile of washing or those phone calls and sleep while our baby sleeps, and having a toddler as well can sometimes make it impossible. Consider, however, how hard it is to parent when you are really tired. It is more important you are rested, rather than the house being sparkling clean.

Well-meaning friends, relatives and salespeople always seem to ring your doorbell or phone just as soon as you have got your head down. Consider putting a note on your door 'mum and baby sleeping - please call back later' or disconnecting your doorbell. Take the phone off the hook. You can let mum/sister/aunt know that if it is engaged you are most probably asleep and they can call back in an hour or so.

Of course, this all works remarkably well when you have only one child! If you do have a toddler or preschooler, you may be lucky enough to get two children down at the same time in the same afternoon. Three might be stretching it. If this miracle does occur remember to set your alarm so you make it to school pick-up on time!

The other solution is to allow a video or TV time in the afternoon when your baby is likely to be asleep. You may be able to snooze on the couch while your older child(ren) is engrossed. Some mums have had success taking toddlers into bed with them and snoozing together for an hour or so. A nice back rub of the little one or some soft music can sometimes do the trick.

Cars are also a great snooze inducer. I can recall parking in my carport with two sleeping children in their car seats and being too scared to open a door or turn off the radio in case they woke. So I laid my head back in the driver's seat and went to sleep too. I just hoped none of our neighbours saw us and reported to the police there were three bodies in a car at number 12!

How about enlisting the help of your partner, another relative or friend to babysit for a couple of hours on the weekend so you can nap? Your partner may also be happy to do some of the night duties, especially with older children. One mum I know used to spend the night in the sleep-out hut in her backyard while her husband got up to their wakeful baby on the weekend.

So, just how much sleep is the average adult supposed to need? Legend has it that super-powers such as Margaret Thatcher and Albert Einstein slept only four hours per night. There are people who can probably do this, but most of us need between six and nine hours to feel reasonable. So if we are getting four to six it can feel terrible.

Many mums describe how they simply get used to feeling tired. Our bodies seem to adjust over time to having less sleep. However, sleep studies have found that having a large 'sleep deficit' can have the same effect as being drunk or drugged (and here we were spending all that money on chardonnay). Our responses are slower; our memories are worse and most definitely our tempers are shorter. Fatigue can be especially dangerous when driving.

The main thing with trying to get more sleep is to do what fits in with your family. There are no hard and fast rules on who needs to sleep where and when.

In the past, with larger families, children had a lot of human contact. My grandmother came from a family of 12 children and did not sleep alone in a bed until she left home at 16. My father shared a room with three of his brothers. Nowadays, many of our children are expected to sleep alone in their own rooms, sometimes at the other end of the house to their parents.

There are some children who sleep easily and well in their own rooms, undoubtedly. But there are many more who emotionally or physically need the presence of parents or siblings nearby to be able to abandon themselves to sleep.

A great compromise many parents have come to is to have a mattress or camp bed in their room for young night callers. Children may be happy to sleep there and be close to you, without having to actually come into your bed. One family I know have two double beds next to each other in their room - everyone can sleep within reach of each other, but still have a bit of space.

Many babies and mothers sleep better when sleeping together. Keeping your baby close to you can also help you get to know your baby and to understand his or her needs. This may mean having your baby in bed with you, or in a cot or bassinette nearby. Your baby can feed whenever he wants to without disturbing you too much, so that you will get more rest. Being close to you may also calm unsettled babies.

There are some important safety factors you need to consider if you are going to sleep with your baby. For instance, you should never sleep next to a baby if you are a smoker, are intoxicated, are using sedatory drugs, or have any illness or condition that would make it difficult to respond to your baby.

It is also important that your baby does not get too hot or goes under the covers or into the pillow. Make sure also that your baby cannot fall out of bed or get stuck between the mattress and the adjoining wall or furniture.

Most mothers who are breastfeeding automatically sleep facing their baby with their body in a position that stops the baby from going under the covers or into the pillow. When not actually feeding, babies should be put on their backs to sleep.

For further information on sharing your bed with your baby you might like to refer to the leaflet Is Your Baby Sleeping Safely? available from ABA.

Further Reading.
Sleep booklet. Available from Mothers Direct.